ARKETIPO 187

Women have been aggravating me as of late. Being one myself, I know that we can be, well, let’s just say a tad bit difficult at times.

A little complexity, a smidge of mystery, even a little, dare I say, emotional instability, is fine. It’s acceptable. I can work with that. In fact, to be honest, I kinda like it. (What can I say? I get bored easily.)

But come on! A constant see-saw of emotions, fickle sentiments, and a complete failure to communicate what is REALLY going on in your minds is not by any means okay.

As a born again singleton, I am getting accustomed to the new market. The landscape has changed as it always does, and the women whom I have encountered (for the most part at least) have (almost) scared me back into the Batcave.

First there are the “I like you so much even though we just met” women. Women who apparently are so in tune with themselves and the cosmos that they are able to ascertain from one coffee date that you are indeed “the one.” I mean, I know I’m awesome…but I’m not that awesome. You scare me.

Then there are the “hot, cold, hot” women. “I want you.” “I’ll ignore you.” “Wait, you’re ignoring me? I’ll blow up your phone, Facebook, Twitter, email, LinkedIn, and Words with Friends with messages.” These are particularly frustrating because you are never sure if they’re just playing head games to keep you interested or if they are indeed bat shit crazy.

The ones I find most annoying are probably the “not so really hard to get” women. They play hard to get – but they’re doing it all wrong. From someone who used to play the game decades ago, their futile attempts at restraining themselves from revealing the fact that they are really, really interested, are more transparent than a PR spin.

I’ve said for years that if it were at all possible I would clone and marry myself. Obviously this statement is a bit tongue in cheek, purposely pretentious, and intentionally douche-y. But also, it is in part true.

I am flawed. Who isn’t? But, I own my flaws. I recognize, accept, and work on them. You got a new haircut? I probably won’t notice. You’re going to paint your nails a different color this week? I probably won’t care.

But did you just have a fight with your mom/best friend/co-worker and need someone to vent to? I got you. Would you like to lounge in bed watching crappy TV while your significant other makes dinner? I’ve already got the apron on.

I may forget your sister’s dog’s name, but I’ll never forget your birthday (although, I admit – I may forget our anniversary on occasion).

So stop playing. No one expects perfection. Be yourself. Or at least hook me up with the number to a cloning facility.

Ily Goyanes is a Cuban-American, a political moderate, an expert billiards player, a liger, and somewhat of a Zelig, but above all else she is a seeker of knowledge. She lives in Miami, Florida with her children and dogs. Goyanes is known as the Fuming Foodie — a controversial, yet amusing persona she has cultivated via her column of the same name. In addition to her food column, she also writes about film, theater, music, and popular culture for the Miami New Times (Village Voice Media), is a published fiction writer, and editor-in-chief of Arketipo 187 (arketipo187.com), a news, culture, and lifestyle magazine. Her company, Ampersand Editions, allows Goyanes to publish and promote other writers. For more information, to cuss at and/or praise her, or to invite her to a game of pool or a plate of Mexican food, she encourages you (strongly) to email her at: ily.goyanes@arketipo187.com.